"When I was first incarcerated at VCCW in 1987, I made the mistake of saying “after you” in the food line. I nearly starved to death before I figured out that you don’t let other people go first in any line in prison.

Nevertheless, if you think you can get away with it (you are bigger, more popular, louder) it is permissible to cut the line (jump ahead of other folks who may or may not respond to this). I have noticed that in certain situations it is good prison manners to speak up and call out the person who is cutting in line, which in other circumstances would be considered bad form. It depends on who they are, who you are, and who is standing around you. Oh and everyone’s mood. Good prison manners are a delicate thing.

One of the most interesting manifestation of good prison manners is door holding. (Keep in mind our doors are heavy steel on spring hinges.) If you hold the door for others, you are required to hold the door until someone else touches it. Once they touch it, they now have to hold the door. If no one steps up to touch the door that first time, we all remain like sheep in front of the door, until someone breaks down and heaves the door open. On more than one occasion, I have been trapped with my arms full (which is another set of good prison manners) and unable to get another woman to push the door open because she has back problems, or a twisted finger, or a toothache or something.

And so, with others watching and advising on the best way to maneuver, I have backed through doors with a wheelchair patient, or an ice cart, or loaded canteen bags and then held the door open for them without the slightest irony or rancor. Just good prison manners.

Even if you are wheelchair bound or 80 with a walker or have a broken leg and crutches, you are not exempt from door manners. It is not unusual to see a door slammed on a wheelchair-bound person or a person in a cast precariously balanced struggling to hold a door. But all of that is straightforward enough, opening the door is a game of tag. What is more confusing is that all this reverses when dealing with staff.

It seemed natural, in the beginning of my sentence, to hold the door open for officers and civilians. They however, either by training or by inclination, will not walk through a door opened for them. They insist on holding it open for us. In other words, it is bad prison manners for me to hold the door for staff.

It is also bad prison manners to offer to help someone who is struggling with their arms full. Exceptions exist in only very particular cases: you know the other inmate very well, the other inmate is extremely old or disabled (although this may be misconstrued as predatory so it is best to stick with old disabled people with whom you’re very familiar), or it is related to your job–supplies being delivered to your area. It is completely unacceptable even to offer to assist carrying something belonging to the job of another inmate. This can be perceived as a criticism of their work ethic or efficiency or even a hostile takeover of their job.

However, this all reverses again if the person asks for your assistance. If you do not jump in and help immediately and joyfully, you will become the brunt of severe etiquette condemnation. Inmates condemn few things as strongly as when someone refuses to pitch in when asked to do so.

Generally, good prison manners frown on any form of thoughtfulness or initiative, but rely on a person playing their part when cornered. When I said this to a friend of mine on the outside, she sighed and said she thought that the definition and expectation of good manners had changed everywhere. I don’t think human nature has radically changed, but in our casual and informal modern times, we forget that manners, while sometimes artificial and contrived, make daily life in society run sweeter. Good manners oil difficult situations and provide a neutral fallback position. But then, self-control and inner discipline are foundational pillars of all good manners. Useful skills to master while in prison." (Elizabeth Haysom, Fluvanna Review, June 21, 2007)

An index to Elizabeth Haysom's columns may be found at Glimpses from Inside.