"I can compliment one of my students on the success of her new hairstyle and she will shrug me off, but if someone important to her says the exact same thing, she will light up.

I’ve also had friends chide me for this same behavior. A good friend will pay me a compliment and I will wave it away (she is, after all, a good friend and therefore has a duty to be nice and kind to me), but let someone else say the same thing, a someone I am slightly intimidated by or in awe of, and my head will explode with pleasure. Being a gracious receiver is an uncommon grace.

Most of us like the sensation of giving and we like others thinking of us as generous and thoughtful. There is power in that–having an abundance to share with others. Or, at least, we enjoy the illusion of not needing others. Inmates are no different. We take great pride in doing our time alone and not asking for help. Rugged individualists brag on their self-sufficiency and carry an edge of contempt for those who receive help. We go it alone.

The other extreme are those inmates who receive greedily. They are equally ungracious, as those who refuse to admit need. These are the inmates who mooch off of the struggling families, who may or may not work as it suits them, who expect to own the best money can buy while they are in prison. These are the inmates who define their mail as good (it contains a money order) and bad (it does not).

Since our society values self-reliance and independence, we all tend to denigrate these louts who live as parasites and respect those who hold it all together by themselves. As a society we cherish our ability (and admire this ability in others) to live without assistance. For example, one of the banes of growing old is losing one’s independence as defined by the ability to live alone. In many traditional societies, no longer being able to go it alone is not considered a loss of independence, but a freedom to draw more intimately to the community. They considered it a freedom because old people (and children) add color to the story of life and bring pleasures of the heart. But the truth is that whether self-reliant or greedy, we are all equally spoiled: to be spoiled is only to receive what one wants and to reject the rest.

Frequently I hear ungracious spoiled independence when a generous spirited person offers to share their last with another, who then rejects if because they don’t like that brand, or they don’t like to owe anyone. How rude! We’ve learned to shrug off these rejections by laughing, “Okay, no problem, more for me.” But truthfully, it hurts. It hurts to reach out and be slapped down for not having a gift that measures up to someone else’s standards. It hurts to compliment someone and have them blow it off (not because they are modest, modesty has no ego and is most graciously receptive), but because the giver of the compliment doesn’t rate.

Inmates do this to each other all the time. We are also very poor at receiving forgiveness. We claim we are unworthy or that we just don’t feel it, so we reject the offer. And even though we are told repeatedly a lack of forgiveness is a root of many evils–bitterness, anger, addiction, fear, discouragement, loneliness, hatred and malice–we continue to reject forgiveness for ourselves. We hoard our guilt and self-hatred and boast on it: “Oh I just can’t forgive myself.” We say with pride as though that made us angelic with self-flagellation.

The bottom line being if we graciously accepted the forgiveness to us, we would then be responsible for our subsequent actions and attitudes. If we received forgiveness, then we would have to move on to the next stage of living. We couldn’t sit around moping anymore, but would have to take some responsibility for our lives and get on with it.

One of the other aspects of receiving that I have a terrible time accepting is being open to whatever the day brings. It means approaching life with a spirit of adventure and good humor rather than indulging in self-pity and complaining. It means being open to the opportunities that come in the guise of struggles; trying to find a different perspective; to receive the lessons in changes of fortune. Rarely do any of our lives turn out the way we planned. Everyone hurts. Everyone suffers. Everyone loses something precious and vital to them at some point. But, as Desiderata so wisely tell us, love is perennial and beauty abounds. To our dying moment, we have possibilities to touch those around us to positive effect. Even for me in this place, if I have my eyes, my mind and heart open to what lies in front of me instead of staring at all the closed doors of the past that lie behind me. I can live in joyful expectation instead of bitter regret.

Gracious receiving fills us with hope and joy and thankfulness; it does not support mooching, greediness, codependency or neediness. Gracious receiving has energy and excitement. It is full of pleasure and contentment. Delightedly it recognizes the generous and abundant nature of our lives.
Occasionally late at night, I mull over the hard cold facts of the kindness and generousity of so many people in my life. It is astounding. I certainly have not merited their sweetness, but it has changed me. Learning to receive their love–to relish it and then to share it–has transformed my ideas of family and community–and given me hope about who I might become.

Gracious receiving is like sitting down to a sumptuous meal prepared by a friend. Not to eat would be hideously unkind and silly. Eat. Compliment the chef. And then do the dishes." (Elizabeth Haysom, Fluvanna Review, February 22, 2007)

Elizabeth Haysom is presently incarcerated at the Fluvanna Correctional Center for Women in Troy, Virginia. This column is one of a series, published under the general heading 'Glimpses from Inside.'