George,

If I hadn't already made a pledge of allegiance to my country, the United States of America, this passage by George Carlin would have been my new pledge:

I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American. I am George Carlin.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary be it Democrat or Republican! I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, do it in English.

I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July. I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened. I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and wherever they want to.

My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer. I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it. I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my bottom off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?

I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up and quit whining.

I want to know which church is it exactly where the Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches, where he gets his money, and why is he always part of the problem and not the solution. Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I think the cops have every right to shoot your rear if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull you over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are. I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation the world for the next four years.

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me crap or trying to guilt me into making "donations"to their cause. These people should learn how to work!

I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents. And what the heck is going on with gas prices...again?

Will Lyster (electronic mail, March 26, 2003)

Editor's Note: According to George Carlin's Home Page, there is an email circulating which is utterly NOT Carlin's work. Comparing that email with Will Lyster's passage above suggests that Lyster's version of Carlin's pledge is also a fake.

Says Carlin,

I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this "humor" on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff...

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it came from one of my albums, books, HBO shows, or appeared on my website. If you see something with my name on it, and you really need to find out if it's mine, post a question on my bulletin board. But only if it's really important to you; don't fuck around with me for a lark.

For other Carlin related material on my web site, see Expletives as an Internet Address, 'Seven Dirty Words' on the Loper Web Site and the 'N' Word, Cleaning Up FirstGov, Nader's Politics of the Disconnect, and Shock Waves.