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"Writing these columns is very difficult for me. Sometimes I lack material because my life slides from day to day with much sameness. More than that I lack inspiration, the wisdom, the insight, the talent to capture the truth or essence of a topic. Sometimes the things I'd like to write about fall under the vent, payback, justify, prove a point category which I vowed to myself I would not slip into. So, I sit stumped in front of a blank sheet of paper. The original purpose of these columns was to humanize incarcerated women because we have a cartoon monster image. I think I have lost sight of this purpose and fallen into the ego pitfall of trying to be a good writer with a clear view of the universe, when in fact I am just a woman struggling to keep my head above water every day. I struggle to be kind, to be fair, generous to those in need, honest in all my encounters and to obey the rules. Frequently I fail. Sometimes all I can do is get to work, do my job, and crawl back into my bed. Prison is full of undercurrents--layers of alliances, sides, histories, bad feelings, secret jealousies, and hidden agendas. It is impossible to go unscathed and it can be exhausting. Today I was falsely accused by an officer I respect. A few weeks ago, I was betrayed by a friend. Nothing extraordinary. They are but the stings and barbs of life from which no one is exempt. But it always comes back to the same issue: How to respond? How to deal with this? Gandhi said, "We must be the image we wish to see in the world." Mother Teresa said, "When people read wrong motives into your actions, do good anyway." I hear these fine words and I want to be that person. And I want to be that person to inspire others to be that person. Instead I stand in the shower and weep. Instead I collapse in my bunk because I am wiped out but cannot sleep because of tangled questions. I watch the TV and feel so alone. I pick up my pen to write and there is a verbal vaccuum. Nothing. I realize in that moment that these columns are difficult to write because they are real. Ironically that takes the pressure off: We're all on the same page struggling to get it right." (Elizabeth Haysom, Fluvanna Review, March 24, 2005) Elizabeth Haysom is presently incarcerated at the Fluvanna Correctional
Center for Women in Troy, Virginia. This column is one of a series, published
under the general heading 'Glimpses
from Inside.'
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